Being Vulnerable

I’m not someone who is very open with my emotions. Probably this is in part due to being autistic – I am not always super clear what my emotions are and growing up (undiagnosed) emotions were very dangerous territory – life could be difficult if anyone though you were thinking or feeling the wrong things, and how were you meant to know what the wrong things were? Also growing up we were a lot closer (geographically at least) to the English side of the family and they were very old school stiff upper lip Mr Banks English. Good people, just not visibly emotional.

When I volunteer as a Samaritan, people often question what the point is – how are we meant to be helping them when we can’t offer advice or any practical solutions or help. The answer, part of the foundation of how Samaritans works, is that just talking about how you feel and what’s going on in your life can be really helpful. It can be therapeutic to put out into the world everything you are feeling or might be feeling or know you really shouldn’t be feeling, but… without receiving any judgement or advice. Just time to put a name to your feelings and accept that they are there and that it is ok to feel that way. For some callers, being able to talk through everything they are going through helps them process and make sense of what can seem overwhelming.

I have found another benefit that can come from sharing how you are feeling, with strangers or even those around you- finding out that you are not alone. This is so very relevant now we are in this very weird time of wrongness. Emotions are flying around and there is no guidebook as to what people are feeling during this – at least I have never come across an apocalyptic style book that accurately captures what is happening right now. It can be hard to work out if everyone is struggling and what it is exactly people are struggling with. Particularly in the autism community – there are some loud voices out there talking about how everything is so much better now and how lockdown has improved elements of their lives.

I am not enjoying lockdown. No part of my life has improved because of it. That doesn’t mean the life I am living now is awful or anything like that, its not but it isn’t the life I was living before. Every step of the life I was building has been a fight, moving to London, gaining independence, gaining confidence in going out, even little things like being comfortable enough to cook in my flat or going for a stroll without a set purpose around my local area have taking me a long time to build up to (and be knocked down again and build up to again, its not a consistent state). I have now put everything on hold, moving home to live in rural Hampshire with my family. I know how lucky I am to be able to spend lockdown in a field surrounded village with family who are only moderately annoying, I do know this, but I also know how long it is going to take to rebuild the life I once had, only 6 weeks ago. I miss my routine. I miss going to work in an actual office. I miss shops and only having to think about myself when buying and cooking food.

It, however, is only by sharing with friends and colleagues some of these feelings that I could be sure that I am not the only person feeling this way. Maybe the fact I need others to share my feelings in order to feel validated is an issue I should look at another time. For now, knowing others feel that way, that the annoying thing someone did at work (virtually of course) was found annoying by other people too, that I’m not alone right now makes a big difference to me. Not just that my feelings are ‘right’ and my broken brain isn’t tricking me or misleading me into some gollum like spiral but that there are others out there who understand. They get it. And by sharing how I feel with them hopefully they too feel that there are people out there who get them too.